


Eyas In The Kettle

by The67ImpalaDragonChild



Series: The Touch Point [2]
Category: Avengers, Supernatural
Genre: And Charlie might be crushing, Avengers Family, Baby Shower, Family Shenanigans, The Winchester Family, Thing 1 and Thing 2 jokes are made, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Twins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2019-02-10 11:18:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12910824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The67ImpalaDragonChild/pseuds/The67ImpalaDragonChild
Summary: Baby hawks are called 'eyas'.A group of hawks are called a 'kettle'.The family gathers to welcome the newest 'eyas' to the Barton 'kettle'.Or: In which baby showers are planned and executed, the two biggest geeks in the world meet and become besties, shower games are played, and gifts are given. All while the twins are passed from one person to another while shenanigans ensue.





	Eyas In The Kettle

**Author's Note:**

> Here you go guys, the much awaited baby shower. I had so much fucking trouble writing this one because I've only ever been to two showers that I remember, and I was very young for both of them. So, research galore. Plus, that is a LOT of characters to keep track of all at once, Jeebus! Anyway, hope you enjoy!
> 
> P.S. I've started work on the 'Bucky In the Bunker' fic, but I won't be able to do any serious work on it till after christmas. I have another fic that I promised to my family (a christmas fic featuring everyones favorite senior citizen Avenger!) and my goal is to get it done and posted by Christmas, as my sis can't come home for the holidays and I want to at least give her that. 
> 
> So, to recap: I've started, it's coming. But don't expect anything till next year. That is all. Carry on my wayward sons and daughters (or whatever the hell you are!) :)

 

* * *

 

Darcy Lewis was cursing Natasha’s name.

Well, sort of. 

She’d squealed in joy when the spy and assassin, lovingly called the ‘spysassin’ in Darcy’s head, had called to tell her that Clint’s wife Laura had given birth to twins. And she’d squealed again a week later when Natasha had called again to ask if Darcy wanted to help plan a baby shower. 

To which the answer had been a resounding ‘HELLS YES!’. 

The two had brainstormed and had thrown together a party plan. The only day that would work for all the people they wanted to invite was barely four days away. Which was alright, years of last minute academic bullshitting had taught Darcy how to shine under pressure. And Natasha was the _Black_ _Widow_ , she didn’t sweat _anything_! 

However, in all of the hullabaloo, Darcy hadn’t had much time or thought to spare for anything else.

Like, shopping for the twins for instance.

Which was why she was currently cursing Natasha’s name. 

Darcy had slept in late. And when she had woken up, it was to bolt upright screeching like a pterodactyl at the sudden realization that she hadn’t actually made or picked up  _ anything _ for Laura or the twins. And she only had a day till the party! None of that was Natasha’s fault. 

No, the problem was gift itself.

What to pick up? The twins were Clint and Laura’s fourth and fifth child respectively. The two were old hands at this, and probably had most everything they needed for a pair of bouncing babies. What did you get for the parents who were already prepared?

She’d called Natasha, hoping for ideas. 

The assassin hadn’t picked up. So Darcy had called the base and talked to Friday. She missed Jarvis, like crazy. The sassy british A.I. had been the highlight of her day every time she had to call in. But Friday was cool. 

And informative. 

Barely a day before the party, and Natasha had been called in on a mission. It was a short one, and she’d threatened to seriously maim anyone who kept her from getting home in time for Laura’s baby shower. But she couldn’t exactly come to the phone to answer Darcy’s frantic last minute questions either. And Jane was too wrapped up in her Science! to be of much help. And what would she know about babies anyway? 

Darcy would have to figure it out on her own.

She was doomed. 

Staring up at shelves full of pink and blue… everything, the lowly science intern had never felt more overwhelmed. 

“Too much shit and no springboard?” 

The brunet nodded helplessly. “Yeah.”

“Want a little help?” 

She finally turned to look at the other woman. Her age, or a little older, but not by much if she was. She was dressed in jeans and a T-shirt that read ‘Mutli-lingual. I speak: Song lyrics, movie quotes, sarcasm, and whale’, with a jacket over the top. The woman had short, bright red hair, and a smile that was absolutely infectious. 

Darcy liked her immediately.

“You offering?”

“Only if you’ll return the favor. I’m kind of in the same boat. Real life happened and I forgot, and the shower is tomorrow! But, if you gotta scramble, I guess you could do worse than New York City.” The red head stuck out a hand. “I’m Charlie by the way.”

“Darcy.” She shook her hand. “And yeah, I’d like that. My shower is tomorrow too. I was so busy planning it for her, I completely spaced and forgot to get a gift! And my partner in crime, who I love dearly but  _ dammit _ she couldn’t have picked a  _ worse _ time to get sent on a mini business trip, is officially AWOL and I have  _ no _ idea what to get them! I mean, they already have a house full of kids! I want to get them something useful, but I don’t know what they already have! And no one else is free to come shopping with me. Or at the least let me text pictures of stuff to them for advice!” 

“We’ll find something.” Charlie reassured. The two slowly wandered down the aisle, eyeing the shelves despairingly. “Count yourself lucky, I’m buying for twins!”

“Me too! Their parents ordered trouble and someone decided to make it a double! What am I supposed to do? Get them stuffed bows and arrows?! I’m sure  _ that _ ’d be appreciated!”

“Bow and arrows?”

Darcy giggled. “Their daddy is kind of an archery nut.”

“Archery.” Charlie pulled up short, a grin slowly spreading across her face. “By any chance, would your twins happen to be the Barton twins? Their parents are Clint and Laura? And their godparents are the scarily efficient Phil Coulson and the, equally scary for an entirely different reason but none-the-less hot, Natasha Romanov?”

Puzzle pieces started to fall into place in Darcy’s head. “...no way!”

Charlie burst into gales of laughter.

“Oh my god!” Darcy cackled. “What are the odds?!”

“We’re friends with superheroes, and my brothers hunt monsters. I think we warp the laws of probability worse than the starship Enterprise.” Charlie giggled. “Charlie Winchester. So you helped plan the party? That means you must be Dr. Foster’s assistant, Darcy Lewis. Natasha mentioned you once. She said you tasered Thor…?”

“I  _ totally _ did.” Dacry confirmed. “Right after Jane hit him with her truck.” 

“Now  _ that _ is a story I  _ need _ to hear!” 

“Yeah…” Darcy eyed the shelves full of baby things and threw up her hands. “Screw it. I can’t take this right now. You wanna go get coffee? We can come back after. I sort of slept through breakfast and I’m so hungry I could eat Thor’s hammer.”

Charlie linked arms with Darcy. “Come Blinkin’! Let us leave this depressing foundation!” The quote had its intended effect. Arm in arm, the two giggling women left the store. “Let’s just get lunch. We can shoot the shit as Dean would say. After that we can take the Big Apple by storm for the best baby boodle this side of awesome!”

“Charlie, that is the best idea I’ve heard all day! Come on, I know an awesome burger joint not too far away! We just need to hop a bus.”

“Lead the way Darce.” Charlie agreed. 

A bus stop was situated down the block. Still arm in arm the two made for it at a leisurely pace. Darcy fished her phone out of her pocket with her free hand to check the bus schedule, only to burst into a new fit of giggles when she realised that Charley was doing the exact same thing. 

“You’re left handed?”

The redhead shrugged. “Didn’t used to be. But I screwed up my right arm several times, and I sort of learned. What were you thinking for the twins? You going with onesies or…”

“Get a room ya friggin’ dikes!” A man on the bus stop bench yelled.

Charlie stiffened. Putting her hands on her hips, the hunter whirled to face him. “ Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous pervert!”

The man sat back, startled. She hadn’t responded the way he’d expected her to.

“Not bad.” Darcy tapped her chin. “Still, if you’re going to quote…” She addressed the commuter, who was beginning to realize he’d bitten off more than he could chew.  “You are a fart factory, slug-slimed sack of rat guts in cat vomit. A cheesy, scab picked pimple squeezing finger bandage. A week old maggot burger with everything on it and flies on the side!”

“Listen, three eyes, don’t you try to outweird me. I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal.” Charlie teased, completely ignoring the speechless catcaller now.

Darcy shrugged. “Well, your shirt said fluent in movie quotes. I figured I had to bring my ‘A’ game. Now that we’ve accosted the moron jumping to the wrong conclusions… Lunch? We can do movie quotes at fifty paces while we eat and bicker over baby shower schwag.”

“Movie insults? Just to keep it interesting?” 

“I’m game.”

“Awesome. You clinking, clanking, clattering collection of caliginous junk!”

* * *

 

 

Laura didn’t know what to think.

Natasha had shown up at the farm in a quinjet with exactly zero warning. Clint had booted the bewildered woman out the door, laughing at Laura’s confusion and assuring her that he could handle the kids for a few hours. He was stocked up with plenty of bottles for the twins, car magazines for Cooper, and a new 1,000 piece puzzle for Lila. Natasha had plans, and it would be rude of Laura to spoil them.

Still bewildered, Laura had allowed Natasha to drag her out of the house.

And Natasha refused to tell her where they were going, or why. After the third blatantly redirected conversation, Laura had given up. Natasha would tell her when she was ready, and not one second before. The two had chatted about other topics for hours while they flew. The kids, the Avengers, how much trouble Clint was going to be in trying to watch five kids. How much trouble the twins were going to be once they were older. All in all, an enjoyable plane ride. Her confusion only grew when she saw their destination. 

The assassin piloted the jet straight to Stark Tower in New York City. 

“Stark Tower? Nat, what on  _ earth _ is going on?”

A smirk curled Natasha’s lips. “You’ll see. It’s a surprise. Don’t worry, the boys will come later.” She set the jet down on the roof, went through the post flight checks, then escorted Laura inside. 

“SURPRISE!”

Laura started to laugh. The common room had been decorated in brightly colored streamers and Winnie the Pooh themed decorations. A massive banner hung on one wall, proudly declaring “Double the Trouble!”. A table along one wall held gifts, and another  _ longer _ table held food. The bar was open, and from the looks of things already in use. 

And there were nine women waiting for them.

Pepper Potts was there. Wanda Maximoff, Jane Foster, Maria Hill, Darcy Lewis, and Jody Mills. Jody had a pair of teenage  girls with her that Laura had never met. But she’d seen plenty of pictures. These had to be Claire and Alex, the two young women that Jody had taken into her home. An ex-blood slave and the daughter of an angel vessel. Quite the pair. Laura couldn’t wait to meet them. Laura laughed even harder when she realized Charlie was there too. So much for keeping those two apart. Clint’s plan had lasted all of a few months. 

Darcy bounced up to her. “Were you surprised?”

Laura hugged her. “Definitely. How long have you girls been planning this?”

“Darcy and I started the planning about four days ago.” Natasha answered. “Darcy did most of the planning, I just did the leg work. She knows more about baby showers than I do.”

Laura pulled her into the hug too. “Thank you both. Clint does his best, but between you and me, I needed a girls night out. Or in, as the case may be.”

“We kind of figured.” Across the room Charlie lifted her glass. “That’s why the ladies segment is just going to be the lot of us kicking back and enjoying ourselves. We’ll save the ridiculous shower games until the men get here tonight. It’ll be fun embarrassing them, and Friday’s locked and loaded to record every second of it! I made sure of  _ that _ .”

Darcy nodded excitedly. “We know you’re nursing, but we’ve got the fixings for pretty much virgin  _ everything _ in terms of drinks. And they taste  _ really _ good! And don’t worry about the kids, your neighbor Mrs. O’Halloran down the road was nice enough to agree to babysit once the guys joined the party. And Friday will be watching out for them too through the security features.”

“Clint’s leaving Mrs. O’Halloran with the older three  _ and _ the twins?” Laura looked almost pitying at the thought.

“No, he’ll be bringing the twins with him.” Pepper corrected. “But you won’t have to look after them, most of us haven’t even seen  _ pictures _ yet. I doubt you’ll get to hold them for more than a few minutes at a time before one of us steals them to fawn over again.” 

The other women gave eager nods.

This was going to be fun.

* * *

 

 

“The fun has arrived!” 

Charlie leaned her head back over the back of the couch. “Hate to break it to you Tony, but unless you are toting a pair of bundles of joy, you are not the definition of fun at this party. These bitches are here to celebrate babies today!”

Tony shrugged and headed for the bar, kissing Pepper on the way. “Well,  _ I’m _ not toting them, but Clint did just get here with the twins…” Loud squealing from Darcy cut him off. The other women were talking excitedly, happily bickering over who got to hold the babies first. Claire and Alex sat quietly on the fringe of the group, but  they followed the conversation avidly.

All bickering ceased as soon as Clint walked through the door. 

He had a baby carrier in each hand, both with covers in an eye smarting shade of purple. Laura had despaired long and loudly over it, but he’d thought it was awesome. It certainly kept everyone else guessing. 

Seriously, what was with people having to label their babies with pink and blue? It was way more fun to make people ask what he had. It gave him the opportunity to say things like ‘I don’t know, but it ate the dog’, ‘We had a velociraptor!’ Or, ‘mine is a robot, what’s yours?’. His personal favorite reaction so far had been the grouchy guy who looked like he’d asked about the babies just to please his wife. Clint had told him ‘We don’t know what we have, but we’re pretty sure it’s psychic. Things have started moving around the house by themselves.’ 

The dude couldn’t get away fast enough.

Shaking his head, Clint set the carriers down in front of Laura and leaned in to steal a quick kiss. “Before you ask, all limbs were intact when we left, and the house was still standing.”

“That is not  _ nearly _ as reassuring as you seem to think it is.” Laura grumbled. 

“Eh, I tried.” Clint shrugged and pulled the covers off the carriers, leaving the twins to the horde of women. The male Avengers were filtering into the room, some with more eagerness than others. Clint waved and headed for the bar. He’d been to mixed baby showers before. And the party games always sucked. Granted, Nat and Darcy had planned this one, but he still didn’t hold out much hope. Those of the men who had been forced to attend showers before seemed of the same opinion. 

The ladies were focused on the babies.

Charlie gave the baby on the left a finger to hold. “They’re cuter than tribbles!”

“Are you sure they’re Clint’s kids?” Maria teased.

“Yes, they’re Clint’s.” Laura laughed. 

Darcy leaned over the back of the couch, snapping pictures with her phone. “These are going to be my new wallpaper! What are their names again? Can I hold one? Please say I can hold one!”

“Yes, you can hold one.” Laura gently lifted her son up out of his carrier, Natasha already in the process of doing the same for his brother. They were still so incredibly tiny. She cuddled the baby for a second, then passed him up into Darcy’s eager hands. “Their names are Robert Dean and Rylan Samuel Barton. Darcy, you have Riley, and Natasha has Bobbie.” 

“You named them after Sam and Dean?” Wanda questioned. 

“It seemed appropriate, all things considered.” Laura agreed. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Claire, Alex, and Jodie exchange approving smiles. Her attention was drawn back to her boys before she could comment on it.

“Who’s older?” Pepper was obligingly taking pictures for Darcy, now that her hands were full of adorable infant.

“Bobbie is.”

Charlie giggled. “You gave him ‘Dean’ as a middle name. We should’ve guessed. 

Sam spoke up from his place near the bar, having been listening but not wanting to be in the way just yet. “Speaking of Sam and Dean, Charlie, do you know where our hunters are? They were supposed to be here, weren’t they?” 

“They were supposed to be.” Charlie played with little Robert’s bare toes. “They’ll be here, come hell or high water.” She made a face. “We were going to fly up here angel-air, and meet Jody and the girls en-route, but Garth called out of thin air. I guess there’s a hunt here in New York, and no one else was free to gank whatever it is. He wouldn’t have called if it wasn’t an emergency, hunters don’t like to hunt in the same place more than once or twice if they can help it, and Sam and Dean have both been here. They’ll be along soon. The hunt’s not hard, just prolific.”

Claire leaned forward eagerly. “What are they hunting?”

“No talking shop at a baby shower.” Charlie answered. “I’ll tell you later.  _ After _ you finish the advance homework you picked up so you could come on this trip.” 

Claire made a dramatic groan, but didn’t argue.

Laura saw a worried look flash across Jody’s face, then it was gone. Ah, right. Claire wanted to be a hunter more than anything in the world. Laura remembered Jody talking about it. If Claire really wanted that life, there was nothing anyone could do to stop her. Sam and Dean would probably teach her, rather than let her go off half cocked and wind up dead. But they and Jody had talked her into waiting until after she’d finished high school at the least. They were going to try and talk her into college too, but Jody wasn’t holding out much hope for that.

Whatever they were hunting, she sincerely hoped the boys were safe.

The elevator dinged behind her, and she heard Phil call a greeting. The agent made a quick side trip to drop his gift on the table, and then he was cooing at the Baby in Darcy’s arms.

“Hey Riley! How’s my youngest godson today?”

“They’ve been a bit of a mixed bag today, but nobody's started screaming yet, so they’re doing good for the moment.” Clint called from the bar. 

“A mixed bag huh?” Phil smiled, giving the baby a finger to hold. “Have you two been giving your dad a hard time? Well, he probably deserved it. But I expect you to be on your best behavior for your mother.” The baby burbled back at him. “Good man. Make sure your brother knows too. Speaking of brothers, Clint, where are yours? I didn’t think they’d miss out on a chance to meet their nephews.” 

“Well, Dean and Sam are hunting, and Adam had a late meeting with a professor. They’ll be here.” 

“And we can do food while we wait. We wouldn’t  _ dream _ of starting the games without them!” Darcy giggled at the men’s terrified faces. “Dinner’s in the kitchen!”

* * *

 

 

The party was well under way by the time the other Winchesters arrived.

Adam slipped into the common room first, a party bag in his fist. Charlie was the first to spot him, squealing his name and running to give him a hug. He accepted it with the same long suffering expression younger siblings the world over had perfected. 

“Good to see you too sis. Sam and Dean get here yet?”

“Not yet.” She chewed her lip. “I’m worried about them. Salt and burns shouldn’t take this long. I should’ve gone with them.”

Adam gave her a squeeze. “They beat the devil himself at his own game. They can handle a salt and burn. And if not? They’ll find a way back to us anyway. And you know that Gabriel will never let them live it down.”

She giggled. “ _ I _ wouldn’t let them live it down. After I got through hugging and yelling at them anyway.” 

“That’s the spirit.” Adam nodded towards the other partygoers. “I see Jody made it. She bring Claire and Alex like she said she would?”

“Yep, they’re over there.” Charlie pointed the two girls out. “I get the impression Alex desperately wants to hold the babies but is kind of scared to. I’m looking for a reason to pawn a baby off on her so she can’t panic and say no. Help me? I’ll introduce you. I know you haven’t had a chance to meet them yet.” 

“I could pass the baby off to her.” Adam offered. His cell phone started playing the opening riff to ‘Back in Black’ and he fished it out of his pocket. “...told you they’d be ok. Dean just texted. Says they’re on their way, and to save him some food.”

Charlie was checking her own phone. “Yeah, I just got that too.” The tension melted away, and she gave him a blinding grin. “Well, now that our brothers aren’t facing imminent death, let's go celebrate our nephews!”

* * *

 

 

“Do I even wanna know?”

“What?”

The archer rolled his eyes at his oldest brother. “Dean, you’re bleeding. There’s a cut right over your eye.”

“Son of a bitch.” Dean hurriedly covered the injury with a hand, ignoring Sam’s bitchface. He was glad that Clint had caught that when he’d come to greet them at the elevator. He’d never been to a baby shower before, though he’d dropped Lisa off at more than a few during his time with her. And he was pretty sure that walking into a baby shower with blood on your face, graveyard dirt under your nails, and reeking of smoke and moldering bones wasn’t the way to go. “Sorry, it must’ve opened again. See anything else? We tried to clean up before we came…”

Sharp eyes gave them both the once over. “Not that I can see. Come on, there’s a first aid kit in the kitchen. A couple butterflies should be enough to keep it closed, and we’ll call it even. Everyone’s out on the balcony, so if we’re lucky no one’ll know the difference except Charlie.”

“Thanks Clint.” Sam whispered. 

“No problem.” The archer led them back into the kitchen, fishing the first aid kit down off the top of the fridge. “Go ahead and grab food Sam, this won’t take long. The ladies really outdid themselves. Dean, park it over here.” He had Dean’s face cleaned up in the blink of an eye. Turning around again, he found Adam already pulling out butterfly bandages. 

The younger man gave him a playful glare. “ _ My _ job.”

Clint put his hands up in mock surrender and left Dean to Adam.

“You two alright?” Adam asked, shooting worried glances between Dean and their other two brothers’ retreating backs. 

“We’re fine.” Dean assured. 

Adam gave him a stern look. “If one of you all of a sudden collapses later…”

“We’re  _ fine _ Adam! The worst you’d find on either of us is a few bruises.” Dean laughed. 

“It’d better be.” was the growled reply.

“Easy killer.” Clint called. “He’s got to meet his nephews first.” 

The archer stepped back through the doorway, a baby in his arms. Behind him, Sam had traded in his plate of food for the other twin. The tiny infant seemed even smaller, dwarfed by his uncle’s big frame. The hunter cradled the baby tenderly, flashing Dean a smile that was equal parts awed and overjoyed. 

Dean slowly slid off his chair. 

Clint grinned and offered Dean the baby he was holding.  “Come on then. You know you want to.”

“Damn right I do!” Dean muttered, careful to keep his voice down so that he didn’t wake the sleeping infant. The baby was cuddled up in a wine colored blanket, nose bunched up in a cute little crinkle. One tiny fist clutched at the edge of the blanket. Dean couldn’t take his eyes off him. “You said you weren’t going to tell us names until we saw you in person. Well? We’re here and in person or whatever. So spill!”

Clint smiled fondly at his brothers and sons. “Dean, you’ve got the older of the two. His name is Robert Dean Barton. Sam? You’ve got Rylan Samuel Barton…”

Sam looked like he’d been sucker punched. “You named them after us?”

“Figured it was about time. Specially after everything that you did for the Barton clan.” Clint shrugged. “Laura thought the fact that they’re twins was beyond appropriate.”

Sam chuckled. “Yeah…So, for short you’re calling them…?”

“Riley and Bobbie.”

Both hunters’ heads snapped up.

Clint smiled sadly and stroked a finger along Riley’s chubby little cheek. “What? He was the closest thing I had to a father figure too you know… Think he would’ve been proud?”

“I know he would’ve.” Sam agreed. Catching Adam’s eye, he added firmly, “He would’ve been proud of  _ all _ of us.”

* * *

 

 

“Game time!” 

A round of groans from the men greeted Darcy’s shouted proclamation. The brunette put her hands on her hips. 

“Hey! Don’t you groan at me! It’s tradition! So suck it up guys, and deal!” 

“Um, what’s the first game?” Steve asked, trying to keep the peace. A thread of misgiving slithered through the back of his mind at the mischievous grin she threw his way.

“Well…” she drawled. “I know that guys don’t usually go for baby shower games. To be fair, they usually suck, so I can’t exactly fault you. So Natasha and I picked this one specifically with you guys in mind.”

Clint started sniggering. “Yep, we’re toast.”

“Think positive.” Sam muttered. 

Clint shrugged at his teammate. “We’re gonna burn quickly. Nat doesn’t play with her food.”

Behind them, Vision cocked his head. “Surely it cannot be  _ that _ bad…”

“That’s the spirit!” Darcy cheered. She fished a basket out from behind one of the couches and brandished it at the men. It was packed with full baby bottles. Passing one out to each male, she explained the rules as she went. “Ok, so it’s really simple. The game is called ‘beer bottles’, for obvious reasons. The object of the game is to chug it as fast as you can. First guy to empty the bottle wins a prize. Capiche?”

“Oh, we capiche.” Tony grinned. 

“That doesn’t sound too hard.” Bruce agreed.

The other men were nodding, eyeing their competition.

“Awesome! Go!”

They jumped at the sudden start, but they didn’t need much urging. Around the room, the laughing women produced phones and cameras to capture the image of the world’s best agents, hunters, and superheroes struggle to drink out of a baby bottle. It was definitely harder than they’d thought it would be. They struggled and strained, unwilling to admit defeat. 

Sam suddenly slapped his empty baby bottle down on the coffee table.

On the other end of the couch, Sam Winchester gave him a thumbs up. “At least it was a Sam.” He teased. 

“Gotta represent.” Sam agreed.

Darcy clapped him on the shoulder with a giggle. “Way to go Sam! There’s a pan of brownies for you to take home with you after the party. Don’t forget, okay?” To the rest of the men she dispensed compliments, and glasses for the last of their beer so it didn’t go to waste and they didn’t have to try and finish from the bottles. Half of them just twisted off the cap and drank straight from the bottle.

Pietro leaned forward. “Do you have a game that is for all the girls?” 

“As a matter of fact we do!” Darcy beamed. “You know that game, where you pin the tale on the donkey?” Everyone nodded. “Well, it’s sort of like that. Charlie, could you grab it for me? It’s under your seat.”

The redhead fished a poster and a plastic box out from her chair and passed them over.

Darcy unrolled the poster and showed it to her audience. “We… are going to pin the sperm on the uterus!”

“Darcy! You are an evil genius!” Clint cackled, pointing at the bright red blush on Steve’s face. On the other side of the room, Claire was snickering into her hand, and Wanda couldn’t seem to decide if she was amused or embarrassed. 

“I know.”

Adam cocked his head. “Huh… So that’s why you wanted to borrow my textbook.”

The poster was quickly affixed to a nearby wall with sticky tac. Numbered paper sperm, double sided tape, and a blindfold were produced from the little plastic box. 

A roll of thunder interrupted the amused chatter.

“Um… was it supposed to storm tonight?” Claire asked.

Jane was ecstatic. “No, it’s clear skies!”

Outside, thunder roared and lightning flashed. It went on for almost a minute, ending in a massive clap of thunder that shook the room. In Pepper and Jody’s arms, Bobbie and Riley started to cry. The two women cooed quietly at them, passing them off to Clint and Laura when the angry infants refused to be soothed.

The elevator dinged.

Thor swept into the room with a jovial smile. “My friends! I apologize most profusely for my tardiness! I mph…!” He was cut off by Jane, who had run to greet him as soon as he had stepped through the door. Not that he seemed to mind.

“Thor. You frightened the little ones.” 

All eyes returned to the door at the gentle chiding. A woman stood there, patiently waiting for the Asgardian prince to acknowledge her. Her bearing was regal and dignified, but an air of amusement clung to the corner of her smile. Dark brown hair hung around her shoulders, and her eyes crinkled at the corners in amusement. She wore an ankle length dress made of some exotic, pale blue fabric. But the torso was worked in metal checks to form a sort of flexible armor. A darkly colored cloak protected her from the coolness of the evening, a sword rested in the center of her back, and a drawstring bag dangled over her shoulder. 

Jane beamed. “Sif! I didn’t know you were coming!”

The warrior woman smiled. “Thor said that the wife of one of his shield brothers had given birth to twins, and that he wished to celebrate their birth. He invited myself and the warriors three to accompany him. The others could not attend, and so I stand in their stead. It is good to see you again Jane Foster. I am glad you are well.” 

“Come,” Thor rumbled, drawing Jane close to his side, but courteously offering Sif his arm. “I will introduce you to my midgardian shield brothers and sisters.” He drew the two women back into the group, he and Jane introducing Sif to the others. It surprised him, when she greeted Coulson with the familiarity of a friend, but he didn’t take it harshly when they told him of their adventure with the enchantress, or that Phil had wanted to tell Thor he lived in person. 

Then they came to the Bartons.

Clint and Laura had reclaimed the twins, and gotten them to settle down during the introductions. Thor had the good grace to look a little embarrassed.

“My apologies, my friends. It was not my intention to frighten your children.”

Clint clapped the asgardian prince on the shoulder. “It’s alright big guy. No harm no foul. Though I’d appreciate it if you kept the volume down to a dull roar, yeah? These two little monsters’ve got quite the set of lungs on them. They’re gonna be louder than my other three  _ combined _ .”

Thor was quick to assure Clint that he would attempt to keep his voice down. And that there would be no more thunder that night to disturb the little ones.

Laura suppressed a smile and offered Rylan to Sif. The warrior woman hid it well, but she had the same longing look that Laura had been seeing on the other ladies’ faces all evening. “Would you like to hold him?”

Hope bloomed on Sif’s face. “May I?”

Darcy giggled. “That’s the whole point of the party Sif! So everyone can meet the babies! Cuddle ‘em for all that you’re worth.”

Watching from the other side of the room, Sam Wilson leaned closer to Steve. “Clint said Darcy all but adopted Thor that first day they met. Think she’ll do the same for Sif?”

Darcy snapped pictures of Thor and Sif holding the babies.

Steve grinned. “I think she already has.”

* * *

 

 

Explaining the game to Sif had been one of the most amusing things the Avengers had witnessed in a while. 

The warrior woman had been so confused as to why Darcy wanted to cover her eyes. Eventually, Charlie had suggested that Sif sit to one side and watch some of the other women go ahead of her. Natasha had taken the seat beside her, quietly commenting on the game as they watched one woman after another attempt to stick the little paper sperm on the egg in the uterus. 

In the end, it was Claire who placed the winning sperm. 

Darcy promised her a plate of homemade chocolate chip cookies to take home. Then the brunette turned a wicked grin on the rest of the party. “Just so you know, the next game is for everyone. And it requires  _ teamwork _ . So choose your partner  _ WISELY _ .” 

Charlie bounced over to Sif. “Dibs on the Asgardian warrior lady!”

“It would be my honor?” Sif offered bemusedly.

“We’re calling dibs? Coulson’s totally calling the capsicle!” Tony yelled.

The group quickly split up. No one was surprised when Jane laid claim to Thor. Or when Natasha snagged Laura. Of course, that left Clint to find his own partner, and he inexplicably chose Tony. Steve did end up paired with Coulson. Much to the agent’s ill concealed delight.

“Alright!” Darcy yelled over the chattering throng. “Rule number one! NO POWERS! Those of you with powers, if you use them, you forfeit. Capiche?”

“We capiche.” Dean called. “Tell us what we’re playing?”

With a evil grin that would’ve done Loki proud, Darcy held up a basket full of a naked baby doll, a handful of white cloth squares, and other odds and ends. “This is the One Handed Diaper Race! You and your partner are going to put a cloth diaper on one of these babies, using only  _ one _ hand  _ each _ . You’ll be judged on speed and accuracy, with optional points for creativity. HOWEVER…!” She gave them all a stern look. “Injury to the babies will cost you five seconds for each injury! I don’t want to see any babies with concussions, contusions, or injuries of any sort!”

“... well that just got a lot harder.” Claire commented.

Pietro put up a hand. “So, we just put our hand behind our backs?”

The brunette set aside the baby dolls and picked up a package full of zip ties. “Nope. I hope you all wore belts. Or at least pants with belt loops on them. If not, I’ve got a couple belts you can borrow. So…! Who’s first?”

Steve shrugged. “Phil and I can go first I guess.”

While Phil shucked his jacket, Darcy grabbed a zip tie and slid behind Steve. The captain obligingly put his left hand behind his back. She put a finger against his wrist and fastened the zip tie around finger, wrist, and belt; the finger ensuring it wasn’t tight enough to cut off his circulation. Steve tugged at it, testing how secure it was.

“Not too tight?” Darcy asked. 

“It’s fine.” 

Once Phil was trussed up in the same manner, the game began. A baby was placed on a table in front of the pair, along with a cloth diaper and a bowl of safety pins. The baby itself was a generic looking thing. A plastic head and limbs, with a soft, semi-baby shaped body. 

“Friday! We need a timer!”

A blue holograph displaying a stopwatch feature appeared in the air above the table. 

“Ready boys?” They nodded. “GO!”

The timer started counting the seconds. 

Steve snatched up the white cloth and laid it out beside the baby. “Phil! Copy what I do on your side.” 

“Got it.”

The two quickly and efficiently folded the cloth. The baby was transferred, and the diaper folded around its hips. Phil made a grab for the bowl of safety pins. 

“How many pins?”

“Two, one above each hip.” Steve pinched the fabric, holding it in place while Phil pushed a pin through it and fastened it. The other hip went even quicker. Diaper in place, they threw up their hands. The timer stopped. 

“Forty seconds!” Darcy cheered. “There’s the time to beat!”

“No fair!” Tony laughed. “The capsicle was around when people actually  _ used _ those archaic things!”

“Steve’s definitely a ringer!” Clint cackled. “I’m not sure if anyone can beat the efficiency that is Steve and Phil!”

It all went downhill from there.

Natasha and Laura made a good team, and came close to beating Steve and Phil’s time. They only missed it by a second or two. Maria and Pepper did pretty well too, coming in barely seconds behind Nat and Laura. They chalked it up to experience. Whether they used modern or cloth diapers, Nat and Laura definitely had more experience than they did.

By some odd turn of fate, or maybe just Charlie and Darcy trying to play matchmaker, Adam somehow ended up paired with Alex. He blushed and she fumbled the baby, but neither of them seemed overly upset by the addition of five seconds to their time for the concussion to the baby. 

Thor and Jane spent more time trying to decide whether to fold the diaper midgard or asgard style. They ended up with the longest time by far. 

Pietro and Wanda were disqualified almost immediately because Pietro got caught up in the rush and moved his hand to fast. 

Jody and Claire got the diaper on in record time… only for Claire to fumble the baby straight off the side of the table. Jody couldn’t stop laughing, and the pair were fined fifteen seconds for the skull fracture the baby surely received.

Charlie let Sif lead off the diaper folding. Which turned out to be a mistake, as the warrior hadn’t had much experience with children. And she’d certainly never diapered a baby! By the time she realized Sif had no idea what she was doing, the poor woman was floundering and embarrassed, and they were fast approaching Jane and Thor’s time. 

Charlie bumped the taller woman’s shoulder. “Here. No one said we had to get it perfect.” The redhead folded the cloth into a rectangle and tied a loose knot with the corners over the baby’s hips. “Now help me pull it tight so he doesn’t walk out of his diaper!”

Sif nodded. “...I never thought to need such things. I’m a warrior, not a mother.”

“Who says you can’t be both? To hear Jane talk, Thor’s mom was pretty badass!” She playfully hip checked the woman with a grin. “If all you want out of life is to be a warrior, you go for it, and don’t let anyone stop you! But if you want to be a mom too… well, don’t let anyone stop you doing that either. You do you.”

The two Sams were next. No one was entirely sure how they ended up together. It just sort of happened, and they’d rolled with it. After two minutes of accidentally sticking each other with safety pins, they followed Charlie and Sif’s lead and tied knots.

“They’re  _ safety _ pins! How did you…?” 

“Safe my  _ ass _ Sam! There ain’t nothing safe about those!”

Dean and Vision turned in a respectable time with minimal injuries to the baby. Minimal, as there was one incident where the baby was picked up by the neck.

“Vision! It’s a  _ baby _ what are you  _ doing _ ?! You don’t pick up a baby by the neck!”

Cradling Robert closer to his chest, Clint had made a show of backing away from the two of them. “I am  _ never _ letting you two babysit! Hear that Laura? Dean and Vision aren’t allowed to babysit.”

And as for Tony and Clint…

“ _ Tony _ ! I’m deducting ten seconds for the naval piercing.”

“Awe, but Darcy! All the cool babies are wearing them…!”

“Laura, Tony’s not allowed to babysit either…”

* * *

 

 

Darcy waved her hands in the air. “Alright! Alright! First off: has everyone’s hand been un-zip tied?” A chorus of assent answered her question. “Awesome! So, I’m awarding Steve and Phil the win for most accurate, and giving the fastest time award to Laura and Natasha since they were basically tied anyway. There’s plates of brownies and cookies for the four of you. And the award for creativity goes to…! Drum roll please!”

Sam, Dean, the other Sam, Clint, and Adam all started drumming on the nearest surface.

“Thank you! … Charlie and Sif! You ladies had the best recovery and were the most creative problem solvers! Brownies for you too.”

Sif cocked her head, looking to Charlie for answers. “Brownies?”

“Midgard dessert. Darcy makes  _ really _ good brownies, I got to sample some earlier.” Charlie assured her.

Darcy clapped her hands. “Ok, last order of business game wise. There aren’t any prizes, these are just for fun, so participate or not as you like. Now, there are three stations set up around the room. That one over there…” She pointed to a table by the balcony door, “is for the Baby Face Mashup. There are pictures of Clint and Laura’s eyes, nose, and mouth. Put them together however you like to see what Bobby and Rylan are gonna look like when they’re older. There’s cardstock and glue sticks over there, and a basket for the finished product so the parents can get a good laugh in later.”

The pointing finger swung wide, directing their attention towards another table tucked into the corner. “I have two jumbo boxes of diapers over there, and plenty of sharpies. The name of the game is Diaper Notes. And the only instruction needed is this: Write messages on baby ass. Then put them back in the box. I’m sure Clint and Laura will appreciate the reading material when they’re changing diapers at two a.m.! And last but not least… Crap, ok, I lied. There is a prize for this one, but you don’t have to play if you don’t want to. You need to come up with as many songs that have the word ‘baby’ in the title. Just shout them out as you think of them. Friday’ll keep track. Everyone got it? Good! Now come on into the kitchen, I didn’t spend all day baking so the cake could go to waste!”

* * *

 

 

Sam groaned. “Dean… did you  _ really _ just draw a devils trap on a diaper?”

The older hunter smirked at his brother. “Yeah. And…?”

Sam studied the trap, then grabbed his own marker and diaper. “I can do you one better…”

* * *

 

 

“Oh good! We didn’t miss dessert! Sorry we’re late guys!”

Darcy stared. Two men had appeared right in the middle of the baby shower! No bang, no puff of smoke, nothing! Just blink once and they were there in the middle of the room as if they belonged! One had caramel hair, and gold eyes. He was dressed casually, and had a gift bag in hand. The other was dark haired, and had a pair of the brightest blue eyes she’d ever seen. That one was dressed more formally, with a trench coat over the top. None of the heroes seemed worried about the intrusion, but still...

“Who the hell are you?” She demanded

The one who’d spoken gave her a wink. “Gabriel, and this is my little brother Cassie…”

“Gabriel…” Cas sighed and offered his hand to her. “I am Castiel. I apologize for our tardiness. It could not be avoided.”

“Tardiness schmardiness, we said we were coming! Did you guys save us any cake?”

Charlie pointed to the kitchen. “We wouldn’t dream of depriving you of sugar. Cake’s in the kitchen. Everyone’s already had a piece, so you can have what’s left. But you have to make sure Cas gets a piece.” 

“Alright! Come on Cassie!” Gabriel dragged Cas away to the kitchen by the wrist. Cas allowed it, wearing a long suffering expression. 

The intern looked to Charlie for answers, as she seemed to know the two men. “So… baby shower party-crashers?”

“Friends of the family. They’re… well, believe it or not they’re angels. But don’t ask about heaven or what comes after. Ok?” Darcy nodded. The others who’d yet to meet the angels were paying close attention to the conversation. “Gabe’s the older of the two. He’s an archangel. I guess all angels are siblings, so he’s technically Cas’ older brother.”

Gabriel swung back into the livingroom, cake in hand. Cas followed behind with a plate of his own, like a baby duck. “No ‘technically’ about it sweetheart. We all have the same Dad, so we’re all related. The only reason you humans get confused is because our vessels  _ aren’t _ related and look  _ completely _ different from each other. Well, that and gender. You humans are really uptight about gender, so the fact that we don’t have one just  _ really _ weirds you kiddos out.” 

Darcy leaned forward. “You don’t have one? So… what, we should use gender neutral pronouns around you?”

Steve looked confused. “Gender neutral…?

“Don’t worry about it.” Gabriel waved off Steve’s confusion and Darcy’s concern.  “Genderless we might be, but we’ve been dealing with humans since the beginning. We know how you are, and frankly it’s never been a bother. We just assume the gender of the vessel we’re using.” He gestured at himself with a free hand, somehow never losing the forkful of cake. “In this instance, male. I’ve been wearing this one time out of mind, so I’ll probably never change unless I have to. Cassie’s worn a few different ones though. I think the last time he came to earth his vessel was female. A pretty one too. Some might even say downright  _ sexy _ .”

Castiel rolled his eyes at his brother’s lascivious smirk. “Her face was aesthetically pleasing, but I fail to see how that’s relevant.” 

“Wait! Wait! Wait!” Dean was waving his hands. He couldn’t seem to decide if he was confused or amused. “Cas was a chick?”

“I wore a female vessel.” Cas corrected. “Nothing about my own being changed. To be honest, I have often found female vessels to be more trouble than males. The demands and expectations placed on females and their appearances is troublesome. If I wish to blend in I must meet those expectations. The robes of biblical times were never so much trouble as the layered skirts, the corsets, or the bustles women were required to wear in more recent years.”

Sam and Dean broke down into giggles, picturing Castiel with a bustle under the back of his trench coat.

“Bustles weren’t that recent.” Pepper commented.

Gabriel wagged a finger at her. “Older. Than. Dirt.  _ Literally _ . Anything within five or six centuries is recent for us. Though you really should specify Cassie. Recent  _ centuries _ , not recent  _ years _ . For them, recent years makes it sound like you’re talking in the last decade or so.”

Pepper looked mildly disturbed by the idea of a being existing so long that they counted years in centuries rather than decades. It had been weird enough getting used to the idea of Steve being in his mid to late twenties physically, but being old enough to be her grandpa chronologically.

Unconcerned, Gabriel was already moving on to another topic. “So we missed out on the games, but made it for the cake. Did we at  _ least _ make it in time for the presents?”

“You’re not too late, we were going to do that after cake.” Charlie assured.

Darcy seemed to take that as her cue.

As heroes, hunters, and angels settled themselves more comfortably in chairs and couches, the brunette trotted over to the gift table. It became clear she and Natasha had thought ahead. Underneath the tablecloth, the table had wheels. There were a few larger items that couldn’t fit on the table. Those she left where they were, covered in a pretty drop cloth or a super sized party bag. They’d go through the smaller gifts and drag the larger ones over later. 

Well, she’d get one of the male superhero types to do it. She was more than capable, but it’d be a shame to let all those muscles go to waste. Right?

She said as much when the others asked.

Clint grinned. “Sounds fair. Here rugrat. Hold the smaller rugrat for me ok?” He happily plopped Rylan into Adam’s arms. His younger brother gave him a half hearted glare, but cooed at the baby anyway.

Laura passed Robert off to Sif.

Then Darcy was pushing the first gift into their hands. 

“Ok, this one says it’s from Bruce.” Laura read. She pulled the bow off the little box, Clint tearing the wrapping paper with far more glee than most adult men would be comfortable showing. She just shrugged, a ‘what can you do’ expression on her face, and fished several rattles and teethers out of the box. “Oh, thank you Bruce! I lost a lot of Nate’s baby things with the house, and he was always losing these. I have next to nothing for the twins. Thank you!” 

The scientist gave her a shy smile and mumbled a ‘welcome’.

The next one shoved into their hands was simply labelled ‘Sam²’.

Clint eyed the two men. “The fact that you two teamed up is very suspicious to me…” Their grins widened. “Fuck it,” Clint muttered. He and Laura tore open the paper. Inside were a pair of bright red onsies. They said ‘Thing 1’ and ‘Thing 2’ on their chests respectively. They had hats, complete with bright blue ‘hair’, to match. 

Clint was red in the face he was laughing so hard. “I take it back! This is  _ great _ ! You two team up as often as you like!”

Wilson raised his glass. “Figured they had more claim to the title than we did. Wouldn’t be right to hog it an all, so we figured we’d pass the mantle on. We got ‘em a little bit bigger, so they got some growing to do. But we better get some pictures at some point!”

“You’ll get them.” Laura promised.

The next was from Jane. It was a mobile to hang over the crib. Brightly colored stars hung down from the wooden arms, a different constellation hanging off each arm. Clint dangled it over Bobby in Sif’s arms, laughing when the infant’s eyes fixated on the brightly colored stars. 

From Pietro, they got a white envelope.

Clint pulled out several slips of paper, ‘IOU’ hastily scrawled on each one in marker. “Um…”

Pietro blushed. “I didn’t know what to get you. So…” He gestured helplessly. “If you ever need a babysitter…”

“Awe kid.” Clint got up and dragged the younger man into a hug. “Thanks. We’ll  _ definitely _ be using those.” 

From Wanda they received a salt lamp to use as a nightlight in the nursery. And from Maria they got a playmat covered in cute cartoon animals. Coulson contributed an envelope similar to Pietro’s, the words ‘College Fund’ printed neatly on the front. Clint and Laura didn’t seem at all surprised. Apparently Phil had done the same thing for his other three godchildren. By the time the kids were college age they’d have accrued quite the nest egg.

The box from Natasha had a navy blue baby sling, and a pair of black baby backpacks. She well remembered how Clint prefered the backpack, while Laura liked the sling. At the bottom of the box were several folded garments of various colors. Clint pulled out a red plaid and held it up, letting the folds fall out to reveal…”

“A poncho?” Claire asked. 

“They’re all ponchos.” Natasha looked smug. “Laura always complains about the blankets falling off while she’s nursing, or that the straps on the nursing blankets chafe her neck. These won’t do either.”

Jody groaned. “Why didn’t  _ I _ think of that? Do you know how much easier my life would’ve been if I’d just gone out and gotten ponchos?”

Laura gleefully pulled out the rest of the ponchos, oohing and ahing over the patterns and textures.

From Pepper, the two parents received a sensible collection of baby booties, socks, bibs, hats, and pacifier leashes. All of them in duplicate, one set in green and the other in blue.

Adam had a t-shirt for Laura. It simply read: “Mombie. noun: A sleep deprived supermom who feeds on caffeine and who survives on sticky kisses and gummy smiles.”

Claire and Alex freely admitted that they’d never been to a baby shower before. Unsure what else to do, they’d gone out and gotten a couple large, strongly scented candles and a candle warmer so she wouldn’t have to risk an open flame around the kids if she didn’t want to.

“Word of advice though? Put a binder clip over a pencil, lay the pencil across the candle, and clip it to the wick. I have a warmer, but I like to burn them too. And if you don’t do something to keep the wick up, when the wax melts the wick sinks to the bottom of the candle and you can’t burn it later.” Alex shyly warned.

“That sounds like the voice of experience.” Laura teased.

“It is. She’s got a half a dozen candles without usable wicks sitting around her room.” Jody confirmed.

Much like Pepper and Bruce, Jody had chosen to go the sensible route. It confused the two parents at first, when they were passed what looked like a wooden milk crate full of mason jars. Laura lifted one of the jars out curiously. Inside, layers of black beans, reddish brown and white powders, and various other things could be seen. On the side, a label declared that it was a sort of soup and gave instructions on what to add and how long to cook it.

“They’re called meals in a jar.” Jody explained. “I remember how much hassle dinner with a new baby is. I can only imagine how much harder it is with two. All the dry ingredients are already in there. All you have to do is add the wet ones and cook it. There’s a couple batches of cookies in there too.”

“I see that. Thank you, I get the feeling these are going to be a lifesaver.”

Clint opened the next one. It turned out to be cd’s. Two were piano covers of classic rock songs. The other was a collection of Metallica songs that had been rearranged as instrumental lullabies. The Archer held them up with a cackle. “Ok, the package doesn’t say, but these have  _ got _ to be from you Dean! And I am not the least bit surprised. Where did you find these?”

“Around. Gotta introduce the kids to the good stuff. Not that crap you and Sam like to listen to.”

“Hey, I stand by my choices. Just because you’re not a classic country fan doesn’t mean it’s bad.” Clint fired back.

“Least you went classic.” Dean grumbled, not meaning a word of it.

Darcy’s gift consisted of a t-shirt and several onesies. The shirt read “Jedi Mom. Don’t make me flip the sith switch.” The onsies read ‘Feed me Semore’, ‘The Babe with the Power’, ‘Don’t blink’,  and ‘The force that awakens you!’.

“I should’ve known you were a fan of the Labyrinth.” Clint held up the ‘Babe with the power’ onesie. 

“Oh please, like you aren’t?” Darcy answered smugly.

Clint shrugged. “Guilty. Ludo’s adorable.”

Charlie’s gift was similar. Several geeky onesies, two rubber duckies, and two bibs. The bibs both said ‘I prefer to be called Stormageddon, Dark Lord of All’. And the onsies read ‘Copy’ and ‘Paste’, ‘To boldly poop, where no baby has pooped before!’. The final three were the Star Trek uniforms, one each in yellow, red, and blue.

“So… Darcy went with Star Wars, and Charlie did Star Trek… Am I sensing a geek rivalry here?” Sam Wilson asked. 

The two women eyed each other.

Charlie offered the ta’al. “Live long and prosper.”

“Damnit, no salute. Oh well, may the force be with you anyway.” Darcy growled right back. “At least we both like ‘Sherlock’ and ‘Doctor Who’.”

“Definitely. The Ponds are my otp, and I love Sherlock’s sass. And as for the rivalry, I swing both ways actually, but I prefer Trek over Wars.” Charlie agreed. “Ooh! Do you like Harry Potter?”

Darcy looked offended. “Are you kidding? Of course! The twins are awesome.”

“Ok you two nerds, simmer down.” 

Charlie leveled her brother with a highly unimpressed look. “Sam. I have clearly failed you as a sister if you do not know the difference between a nerd and a geek. Nerds are math, and computers. Geeks are pop culture. Not to say that you can’t be both. But there is a difference.” 

“What about the Geek Squad?” Tony asked innocently.

The unimpressed look transferred itself to the billionaire. “Bite your tongue heathen. I will come over the back of this couch.”

He put up his hands in surrender. 

“Ok… Moving on before Tony gets himself murdered. Here Laura, this one’s from Steve.” Darcy hurriedly shoved another package at the parents, amidst laughter and Tony’s indignant shout.

Steve’s cheeks burned scarlet. 

From out of the box, Clint fished two clowns made out of cord and big wooden beads. There was a three inch length of cord sprouting from the top of the clowns’ heads, a wooden ring attached to the other end so they could be hung. When he moved them, he could hear the sound of tiny bells jingling, but he couldn’t figure out where the bells were. The beads had been stained bright colors, and he’d bet anything that Steve had painted their faces by hand. Well, he’d bet anything that Steve had made the whole kit and kaboodle, but you know. The faces were cute.

“They… um… they were popular back in my time.” Steve offered lamely. “Moms used to put them in the cribs or prams for the babies to play with. Friday made sure I used safe paints and stains and everything, and the knots are real tight…”

Laura took one from Clint’s hand, passing it to Adam to hold up for Rylan. “They’re adorable Steve. Did you have one when you were little?”

Reassured, Steve relaxed. “Yeah. Mine was a dog a neighbor made for me. I took that thing with me everywhere.”

“Anyone else got any small gifts, or are we on to the big stuff now?” Darcy asked.

Gabriel passed over a gift bag he’d pulled from god only knew where.

The bag lit up and started making all manner of musical and chattering noises. At disturbing decibel levels. Clint snapped it shut and shoved it away as if it were red hot. 

“There’s always one... I hate you so much right now. Do you know how long it took to weed out all the other obnoxious noisy toys?”

Gabriel wasn’t the least bit repentant. “All the more reason why I needed to start your collection over! Every baby deserves a couple noisy toys to drive their parents nuts.”

“You are an evil person.” Clint muttered.

“Sticks and stones.” The angel responded sweetly.

* * *

 

 

“Here. Can you hold him for a second?”

Alex swallowed hard. Adam was holding Rylan out to her. He gave her an open, easy smile, leaning closer to lay the newborn in her arms. She hurriedly rearranged her arms to accommodate him, terrified she’d drop him. Adam guided one of her hands to support the baby’s head, and tucked the blanket around him. 

“There. Thanks, by the way. I’ll be back in a few. When nature calls…”

Alex watched him move away. What on earth was she supposed to do with a baby? She’d never gotten to hold one before, especially after her stint with the vampires. It didn’t feel right to hold an innocent little baby, not after everything she’d done. But now she had no idea what to do. Was she supposed to coo at him the way Darcy did? Was she supposed to rock him, like Steve? Or was she supposed to jiggle him? Babies liked to be jiggled, right?

Adam caught her unease. He patted her shoulder before slipping from the room. “You’ll be fine. Just let him sleep. He’s not judging you, and you won’t hurt him. You’re more than just your past.” 

The friendly smile he’d tossed her way settled her nerves, and she relaxed back into her seat. She listened to the laughter and bantering, and slowly forgot to be nervous. Rylan shifted in his sleep, and she unconsciously cuddled him closer.

Adam didn’t take the baby back when he returned.

Charlie had to work very hard not to do a victory fist pump.

* * *

 

 

“I have a gift for the babes.” Sif retrieved her drawstring bag from behind her seat. From the bag, she pulled two russet colored blankets. Both were trimmed in dark maroon around the edges, and stitched with silver or gold colored thread. Geometric shapes had been quilted into the center of the blanket, small asgardian runes subtly tucked into the nooks and crannies all throughout the design. She shyly offered them over for inspection.

“Oh Sif… They’re so soft, what on earth are they made from?” Laura asked, kneading the soft fabric between work callused fingers. 

“I’m not sure Midgard has an equivalent of the beast…” 

“They do not,” Thor confirmed. “But it bears a  _ slight _ resemblance to your mountain rams. They are fearsome beasts, but their pelts produce some of the warmest, most durable fabric in asgard. Your sons would be hard pressed to damage it.”

“It’s beautiful.” Laura traced the design in the center. “It looks like there’s writing in the middle. What does it mean?”

Sif smiled. “Spellwork. Some of the most common magic in Asgard is that practiced by mothers. It is a simple enough task to find a mother who is willing and able to spell a blanket or two. These will ward against illness. Not forever, the spell will fade as the children age. But it should last your sons a fair amount of time. I hope that they will suffice.” 

Laura put the blankets in her husband’s lap and pulled the warrior woman into a hug, mindful of the baby in her arms. “They’re a very thoughtful and generous gift, Sif. Anything that comes from our friends has a special place in our hearts. The fact that these will keep them healthy and warm just makes them all the more special.”

“I too have a gift for the children.” Thor rumbled when the women had reclaimed their seats, the new blankets wrapped around the twins. He dug into a pouch on his belt. “In asgard, it is a tradition. When a child is born, a shield brother or sister will grant them their first weapon. A promise that they will never be left undefended, and will always have a home in friendship if not in blood. I do not know if such a tradition exists in midgard, or if it does, I pray that I have not overstepped?” Clint shook his head, and Thor beamed. “Then, if you will allow it?”

The parents agreed.

From the pouch on his belt, the asgardian prince produced two small daggers. Barely the length of his hand, they looked like miniature swords when their hilts were given to the babies to hold. Runes marked the blades, the names of the children, Thor informed them. Heimdall had told him. The grips on the hilts had been inlaid with pearl, the pommel and crossbar had both been fashioned in the shape of hawk heads and wings.

Both of the hilts were fashioned in gold, as Asgardians had a fondness for it. When Thor had first joined the team Tony and Bruce had been confused by the predilection, as gold was a soft metal, but the sample Thor provided turned out to be slightly different from midgardian gold. Harder, stronger. 

Thor gently wrapped Bobbie and Riley’s hands around the grips.  Words, in a tongue none but Sif seemed to know, spilled from his lips. Though the words themselves were strange, the sincere look upon his face was clear as day. He was going to take his job as an adopted uncle very seriously.

It was a promise. 

When he had finished, he kissed both twins on the brow and took the daggers back. He passed them to Clint, who tucked them into his belt. “If your children have need, they may call upon me, or upon the Lady Sif and the warriors three. Heimdall will hear, and we will answer.”

“Thanks Thor.” Clint clapped Thor on the shoulder. A thought struck him, and he started laughing. “Between you, the Avengers, the Winchesters, and Gabe and Cas, anyone who messes with my kids is in for one  _ hell _ of a surprise! I’d almost feel sorry for the poor schmuck... Almost.”

“Almost.” Laura  agreed. 

“I don’t.” Dean snorted. 

“Nor do I.” Thor retook his seat on Sif’s other side. She passed him little Robert, and his face lit up like a christmas tree. 

Watching him, Laura found herself smiling. What would her mother say, if she heard that one of the guests had given her grandchildren  _ weapons _ ! Before Clint became an Avenger, before things like russian assassins, asgardian gods, super soldiers, and all manner of other things had become a day in the life for her. Not to mention the Winchesters and angels and all the other things that came with  _ them _ ! Before all of  _ that _ , she would’ve had just the same reaction. But now she barely batted an eyelash. 

You want to make one of the deadliest people on the face of the planet the godmother of your children? Sure. There’s a heart of gold underneath that iron exterior, and besides she’d caught her teaching ballet to the kids and making faces at the toddler while she did it just last week. Of course the man who frequently turned into a giant green rage monster can hold the newborns. He had more self control than all the people here  _ combined _ ! Let the asgardian god give the babies knives, why not? He would never let them cut themselves, not while he was promising to love and protect them. 

Somehow her family had extended to include people unlike any she could’ve ever imagined, and she wouldn’t have it any other way.

* * *

 

 

Darcy sent the men to go get the larger gifts.

The first turned out to be from Rhodey, who was currently halfway around the world. He’d gotten them a pair of walkers, both blue with brightly colored toys attached. Laura was simultaneously looking forward to watching the twins toddle around in those and dreading it, because some of those toys were  _ loud _ . Apparently Rhodey was of the same thought process as Gabriel.

Fury had also sent a gift, though how it had arrived at the baby shower was anyone’s guess. 

He had taken the practical route, providing a double stroller in basic black. The seats could be adjusted to allow for growth. The barton clan would get plenty of use out of it. The fact that several of the pockets on the back and sides were large enough to easily conceal a weapon was kindly glossed over. As was the fact that Clint’s bow and quiver could’ve easily fit in the stow away area underneath the seat, with room still left over for the diaper bag. No one said a word. Carrying a weapon everywhere was just a fact of life for most of them. Better to have a weapon and not need it, than to need the weapon and not have it.

Tony, as was his wont, had gone all out.

The first part of the gift, he and Vision had teamed up for. It was a baby swing, one of the ones that had a wide basket area to hold the baby rather that a seat and strap. The basket was easily wide enough to hold the twins. Over the top was a soft, sturdy mesh. Said mesh was the source for a lot of amusement. 

“Tony, did you supe up the swing so much it needed a roll cage?” Sam Wilson laughed.

“No. But they’re gonna start crawling sometime, right?” Tony folded his arms defensively. “The last thing Barton needs is for one of his kids to fall out of a swing and land on his head. Plus, Laura’s got a garden, right?”

“Um… Maybe I a little slow, but what does a garden have to do with a baby swing.” Jody asked.

“Well, I figured she didn’t want to leave the munchkins in the house alone, and the other three’ll probably be playing or something. So she can bring the swing outside. The mesh’ll keep creepy crawlies and shit from bothering the kiddos, and it’s a tight enough weave that the sun shouldn’t bother them to much. She can even play music through it if she wants to, it’s got speakers built into it, and it’s blue tooth. So she can send music from her phone, and she can control the swing tempo with her phone too. Otherwise there's a couple hours of nature noises programed into it that she can pick from if she doesn’t feel like listening to lullabies. Like rain and forest noises and stuff like that… I don’t know, I don’t know what babies like to listen to but that’s what Vision said was the thing right now.”

Parents, heroes, and hunters alike complimented the man and android. It was clear he and Vision had put a lot of thought and effort into the swing and everything that came with it.

Clint eyed the other, smaller box shrewdly. “If you went to all the effort of building a ‘super baby swing’ from scratch with Vision, I’m kinda scared to see what’s in the other box.”

Tony smirked. “Well there’s only one way to find out… I’m just hoping it doesn’t creep you out.”

That was  _ not _ reassuring.

The archer and his wife unwrapped it cautiously. The cardboard box was plain, the flaps taped shut with clear packaging tape. Clint slit it open with a pocket knife. They were just about to open it when something inside the box rustled. Everyone froze.

Clint took a deep breath. “Tony, if you’ve rigged something to jump out at me…”

“She won’t.”

She. What on earth had Tony done now?

They bit the bullet and flipped open the box. Two big, dark eyes stared back at them. A tiny robot crouched in the bottom of the box in a nest of crumpled blue and white tissue paper. 

It climbed into Laura’s hand as soon as the woman offered.

She was small enough she could sit in the palm of Laura’s hand, barely the size of a small kitten, and twice as light. She was an odd cross between a cat and a monkey. The robot had tiny little hands, a tale that was either prehensile or was just remarkably flexible, and the lithe, sinuous body of a feline. Her cat-like head featured pointed ears that flicked to and fro to catch any and all noise, and big owlish eyes that seemed to take up the vast majority of her face. The metal she was made out of was a pale dove gray with a matte finish so she wouldn’t reflect the light. Touches of blue rippled along her spine and artfully dusted her cheeks and limbs. 

“Her name’s Terra.” Tony offered, seeming almost hesitant. “I designed her as a sort of baby monitor. Her eyes are cameras, and she’ll stream the footage to your phones, laptops, wherever you want. I’ve been playing with her programing for a couple years, just couldn’t decide on a body type for her. The twins just gave me an added incentive to finish. She’s connected to Friday too, so if there’s something she doesn’t know how to do Friday can get her the information asap. I’d like to think I programmed her with everything she’d need to know, but everyone keeps telling me no one can be entirely prepared for kids,  so I’m covering all my bases. Her body has a shit-ton of sensors in it too. She’ll be able to tell you if the twins are going under the weather. Fever, sore throat, ear ache, she should be able to sense it all just like Friday can in the medical ward.”

Pepper got a wicked smile on her face. “So, if Jarvis and Friday were both acronyms, I think it’s safe to assume Terra is too. Do we dare ask what Terra stands for?”

“Please don’t.”

Charlie looked up at the ceiling. “Friday?”

_ “According to design notes, Terra stands for Totally Excellent Rugrat Rearing AI.” _ The building AI sounded highly amused.  _ In Mister Stark’s defense, my sensors indicate he might have been somewhat under the influence when he chose the name. He later found the name amusing and decided to keep it throughout the rest of the design and engineering process.” _

“Traitor.” Tony grumbled into his drink, staunchly ignoring the laughter.

Laura lifted the little robot closer to her face, turning her hand this way and that to get a better look at her. “And you thought this would creep us out because…”

“Because people don’t really like the idea of a robot nanny. Japan’s trying to get one fully functional, and let me tell you those guys are catching a lot of flack. Their’s is completely emotionless and science says babies need to be nurtured and shit, not just fed and watered. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Terra can feed and clean a baby if she has to. She could probably take care of everything in an emergency, despite how small she is. I packed a lot of power into that tiny body. But that’s not what I designed her for. She’s supposed to monitor the twins, maybe pick up something and give it back to them if they throw it on the floor. Pass you something when it’s just out of your reach and you have your hands full.” 

The genius shrugged. “And again, they’re gonna start crawling at some point, so she’s got to be just as mobile as they are. She’ll keep them in sight at all times, and she’ll only stream footage to devices Friday has verified. Clint can check in anytime, no matter where he is. He doesn’t have to worry about waking Laura up because he forgot time zones. He can just check in with Terra day or night and she’ll show him the twins. She can trot down the hall if he wants to see the other kids too.”

“That’s real thoughtful Tony.” Steve looked impressed, almost proud of the genius. 

“Clint loves his kids. Makes sense he’d want to see them as much as he can. ‘Sides, she’s small enough the kids probably won’t notice her half the time.”

Darcy cocked her head. “So?”

“So she’s also capable of taking snapshots. How much blackmail material do you think she’ll be able to pick up while the kids think no one’s looking? By the time they hit sixteen Clint and Laura’ll have a stash big enough to fill a  _ trailer _ .”

* * *

 

 

Gabriel leaned over to elbow his brother. “You gonna give them yours, or are you just gonna sit on it all night?”

Cas gave him an exasperated look, but dug into one voluminous pocket. 

“I had forgotten.” he admitted.

The gift he pulled out wasn’t wrapped. A perfectly clear quartz crystal glimmered in the light, the crystal easily as long as his hand. It was rough around the edges, as if it hadn’t been cut so much as it had been coaxed to grow the way that it had. A single, inky black feather hung suspended in the center of it. Just a little bit longer than his fingers.

Laura accepted it carefully. The weight of it surprised her. If she’d had any doubt about it being natural crystal, the weight dispelled it. It was too heavy to be resin. The feather inside fascinated her. As if there was more to it than what her eyes could see or understand.

Gabriel sounded equal parts proud and gobsmacked. “...wow Cassie. You went all out. You two better take good care of that.”

“Is this… is this one of yours?” Clint asked.

The angel shifted uncomfortably. “One of the smaller ones, but yes. Put it somewhere where the sunlight will strike it.”

“That’s...wow…” The archer traced his fingers over the rough edges. “Thanks Cas. That’s really something.”

* * *

 

 

The party was winding down to a close.

The men plus Sif helped carry the gifts out to the quinjet on the landing pad upstairs. Cas and Gabe helped. The fact that Gabe could move it all with just a snap of his fingers was kindly ignored by the Winchesters. Secretly, they were pretty sure that Gabriel  _ liked _ playing human.

Downstairs, the women helped Darcy pack up the leftovers. The fact that there actually  _ were _ leftovers was shocking to them, let alone in quantities that required more than one set of hands to pack away!  

“How on earth did you manage to cook this much?” Pepper exclaimed.

Darcy smirked. “I’m just awesome that way.” she answered. The fact that she’d been up late the night before and early that morning throwing together anything that could be made beforehand and cooked later would remain a secret between her and Friday.

Out in the living room, Laura was settling the twins back in their carriers.

Jody helped her. They’d booted Laura out of the kitchen as soon as she’d tried to touch the dishes. It was her baby shower, they’d be damned if she lifted a finger to work if they could help it. Jody had been booted from the kitchen on the grounds that she was a mom, and could thus bully Laura into staying out of the kitchen.

“Thank you for coming.” Laura murmured, careful not to wake the sleeping twins. “I’ve never been to Sioux Falls, but according to the maps I looked at after meeting you, it’s quite a drive from Sioux Falls to New York. Will you be heading home directly, or…?”

Jody waved it away. “Don’t worry about us. We have a hotel on the outskirts of the city, and the boys are only a few doors down. We’ll be alright. And as for the drive…” She made a face. “They say going on a road trip strengthens you as a family. We definitely learned a lot about living together in a small space for twenty-four hours. I thought we were going to tear each other’s hair out at points, but I wouldn’t trade it. I missed out on a lot of things with my son. I won’t miss with my girls.”

“You had a boy?”

Jodie nodded. “I did. Owen. He was the light of our lives. Sean and I… we were talking about maybe having more but… well, that wasn’t in the cards.” She shook her head, flashing a fond smile at the sound of Claire and Alex’s voices in the kitchen. “After I lost them, I never pictured myself healing enough to move on. To be able to talk without bawling like a baby. Much less adopting two teenagers who didn’t have anywhere else to go. I was always such a tomboy, and I had a son. Everything I knew about girls was first hand experience and I’m constantly discovering that I’m lacking somewhere.”

Laura pensively rocked Bobby’s carrier. “... for what it’s worth, you should be proud of yourself. Those two girls? They’re good girls. A little rough around the edges here and there, but if what you told me in the bunker was true that’s to be expected. They could’ve come out so much worse, and they  _ didn’t _ , and that to me says so much about the people around them. You’re doing something right Jody.” She fished a phone out of her pocket and passed it to the other woman. “Put your number in and text yourself. We’ll call each other up on the days when we both need ten minutes alone to groan and complain and drink a tall glass of something we probably shouldn’t. Sound good?” 

Jodie was already typing. “Sounds amazing. Just so you know, I fully intend to abuse the privilege.” 

“You think I won’t?”

Jodie smothered her laughter behind her hand. “If you’re ever near Sioux Falls, look me and the girls up. You’re always welcome.”

* * *

 

 

“Clint.”

The archer paused. The wind whipped his hair and clothes in a wild dance, carrying the sounds of the quinjet along its dips and crests. The running lights of the landing pad cast stark shadows across the people who’d come to see him and Laura off. 

“Yeah Cap?”

Steve offered a folded envelope out to him. “I almost forgot. This came for you a few days ago.”

It was crumpled and worn. As if the sender had had to repurpose the envelope. Given that the address was covered with a strip of masking tape, and a new address scribbled over the top, Clint was pretty certain that was what had happened. The doubled impression of ink on the paper around the stamp added to the impression. Spidery writing that he recognized at a glance had carefully penned out the address, Clint’s name, and the additional ‘care of Steve Rogers’ that Clint had requested. It was the first. Clint took it with a hand that shook, just a little.

“Care to explain?” Steve asked softly.

Clint’s throat closed on him. “Barney… we’re trying to work things out. Like hell I’m giving him my address though. He’s not gonna fuck with Captain America, and Natasha will flat out kill him if he tries anything with her. Um, I can tell him to just send to Nat if this is a problem…?”

The captain patted his shoulder. “It’s not. Frankly I’m impressed you’d give him the time of day. Most people wouldn’t.”

“He was a good guy once.” Clint insisted. “But he got lost somewhere along the line. I… God Steve, I used to look up to him. Depended on him for just about everything. We used to be thick as thieves. The fact that he helped Sam and Dean, that he  _ fought _ for me… I don’t know. I’d like to think that he’s not beyond saving. But I’ve been burned so many times... I don’t know if i’m just naively clinging to childhood faith, or if there’s still something there that’s worth saving. Let alone  _ can _ be saved. But I have to try. I told him that if he wants a shot at what we had, then he’s gotta turn his act around. He’ll serve his time as a model prisoner, and when he gets out we’ll talk. But I’m not telling him  _ anything _ about Laura or the kids until I’m  _ sure _ beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s not going to hurt them. And even then I’m gonna let you and Nat have a run at him before I’ll consider telling him about them.”

“Nat’ll enjoy that.” Steve agreed. “And you know the rest of your siblings will be watching him like hawks. They won’t let him put one over on you again. In the meantime, I don’t mind playing postman. It’ll be a nice change from Captain America.”

“Didn’t know you needed a break from that.”

Steve shrugged. “Everyone needs a break Clint. Can’t be a superhero twenty-four seven.”

Inside the quinjet, one of the twins wailed.

Clint laughed. “No, you really can’t. Duty calls. See you around!”

* * *

 

 

The phone rang at two a.m.

Sam bolted upright  in bed, fumbling blindly for the cell phone on the bedside table. Cool plastic met his fingertips and he jammed the device against his ear. 

“ ‘hllo?”

The phone rang again.

“Damnit.” He pulled it away, squinting against the bright light of the screen to press the correct button and put it back to his ear. “Hello?”

“Sam?”

“Clint? Everything ok?”

Clint was laughing, and clearly trying to be quiet about it. Sam could just barely make out the sounds of Laura’s giggles in the background. 

“....Sam… did you  _ really _ write out an  _ entire exorcism _ on a frigging  _ diaper _ ?!”

* * *

* * *

 

  
  


**Notes: For Those who wonder what you could _possibly_ write on a diaper... (Here's what we came up with)**

  * Storm Pooper
  * Darth shiticus
  * Excuse me sir, but I do believe I just shat in my pantaloons
  * It’s good to be the king
  * I don’t remember eating that
  * Bottoms up
  * I made a boom boom
  * Look what I made!
  * Stink bait
  * This too shall pass
  * Finders keepers
  * I'M SPARTACUS!!!
  * No! I’M SPARTACUS!
  * I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them Sam I am.
  * The force is strong with this one
  * Did you like your wakeup call?
  * You wish it was just gas…
  *  The vertical smile speaks again! 
  *  Does this make my butt look big?
  *  It wasn’t me! 
  *  I didn’t do it!
  *  Mwhahaha, you only thought you were going to sleep some time this year!
  *  Mustard gas in solid form
  *  Double, double, toil and trouble
  *   ~~This end up.~~ No! Down! For the love of God, down!
  *  Enjoying the full moon?



**Author's Note:**

> Yes? No? Maybe so?
> 
> Tell me what you think in the comments below!


End file.
